Running From the Black, Staying Above the Water
by AriWolf85
Summary: After ME3. Jaden Shepard finds herself brought back by the new council. All synthetic life was destroyed, and now she much face the consequences. Watch as our hero crumbles under the weight her mind carries with her, and she tries to find a way to end to pain. She must learn to live with what she's done, but not let it control her. angst, violence, self harm, graphic, dark. 18 plus
1. Chapter 1

Hello people! My name is Ari and I'm trying to get back into story writing. Warning you now that most of my stuff is dark and talks about the stuff that nobody really acknowledges. This story is graphic in every sense of the word. There will be moments that are depicted in extreme detail, whether it's a romance scene or a fight scene. This story may also contain triggers for people who have dealt with something similar to this.

This story also deals with high levels of anxiety. I have anxiety myself and this is where i found the idea. I won't bore you with too many details, but if you ever need someone to talk to about anything, go ahead and message me. I'm unbiased and here for my readers.

Anyways, usual stuff now: I wish i owned ME but I don't. All rights go to BoiWare. I haven't decided if I'm going to put OC's in yet, but if I do, I'll point them out. Ummmm... Triggers, angst, possible, smut, violence, self harm, and as more ideas come to me, I'll put up more warnings. But please. Enjoy! Review are much appreciated! I want your opinions!

 _ **Chapter 1: The First Step**_

Jaden Shepard sat on the floor trying to calm her body. She leaned against the wall, her head resting against it as she groped at the cool metal floor. Her anxiety was running circles in her head and her heartbeat was pounding in her ears. She closed her eyes, willing the churning in her stomach away. The doubts were running through her head, everything she had done, who she was, everything she stood for. She heard the council's words echoing in her head.

 _We rebuilt you._

 _You belong to us._

 _It's your fault._

 _You doomed us all after you destroyed the Reapers._

There were so many things said to her. Jaden put her hands to her ears attempting to block out their words. The tears built up behind her eyelids as she curled in on herself, the council's words still bouncing around in her head. She let a strangled moan escape her lips as everything she thought she was crumbled in her mind.

She thought she was a savior. She killed millions.

She thought she was a hero. She doomed several colonies.

She thought she saved organic life. She killed all who relied on synthetic implants and organs to keep them alive.

She thought she could feel safe knowing the Reapers are no longer killing anyone.

Jaden had one realization. _I'm the monster I was trying to defeat._

Jaden's body began to shake violently as she let out a cry of emotions. Her biotics whirled around. Everything she felt was poured out in warm tears and screams of pain. Her biotics lashed out against the floor and walls leaving scorch marks and indents. She let everything she felt flow free; all the sorrow and pain slowly being washed away.

Jaden finally opened her eyes. Her eyes no longer held their shine she was recognized for. Her multicolored eyes held no emotion. Her right eye, once a vibrant icy white, now dull and close to grey. Her once bright purple eye, almost too dark to see the color. She didn't care anymore though. Nobody would know the old side of her. Once someone does something horrible, everybody overlooks the good that person has done.

Jaden stood up from her spot. She felt herself become composed once more. She needed to become the person she wants to be, not the person she just was. The council expected her to lie down and let everything that has happened destroy her. Jaden let a scowl rest upon her lips as she looked towards the door to her freedom.

 _No. I have no freedom. This is merely my escape._ She felt as if her freedom had died when she made her decision on the Crucible. She had made a promise, as a Specter, to protect the galaxy from any danger that may never fulfilled her promise, her oath, her meaning. This door is simply a means of escape from the mess she is becoming. Once she crosses that threshold, she will change who she is. Her name, her personality, her demeanor; Everything. This would be the death of Jaden.

She let out a shaky breath as she moved towards the door. Once she reached the door, she momentarily froze. _Can I really do this? Can I really change who I am?_ She then saw the faces of her crew in her mind. She saw how they were covered in bruises and blood. She saw the faces of some as they died, forever frozen in her mind. That was all it took to push her, to give her a reason to do this.

Jaden raised her hand to the door and touched it's surface. There was no holo-lock. Just a cool metal flat surface. She closed her eyes a moment, feeling the door, using her biotics to see the door and what lies beyond it. She saw another hallway that lead to several other doors, each similar to the one she was behind. As soon as she opened her eyes, the door flew off it's hinges and hit the wall across the hall.

This was it, this is the next step to her life. This is where Jaden truly dies, and a new person takes shape. As far as the council had said, nobody knew she was alive yet. This is her opportunity to do what she wants, to save herself but make everything right.

This is now the story of Kira.


	2. Chapter 2

_**A/N-**_ So, if you read the first time I posted this chapter; then you must be confused as I was when I went back to read it. Sorry bout that. *Rubs the back of my neck nervously*

Anyways, Thanks for the review! and Thanks for the follow! So just to clear a few things up. This story happens a year and a half after the Crucible fired. The electronics have all been rebuilt because that's just how I roll. Second thing, I will update this randomly, like chapter 3 might be up tomorrow if I can't sleep tonight. Sometimes there might be a day between updates, sometimes a few weeks. I'm a full time college student with a full time job so... I do this in free time. But enough boring stuff! Onto the story!

I don't own ME (wish I did) _**BUT**_ I do own Jeane, Maron, and Garrett. Usual disclaimers that are in the summary... blah blah blah... Enjoy!

 _ **Chapter 2: The Choice Within**_

Kira looked up at the skycar she had just gotten out of and nodded towards the driver. She pulled up her omni-tool and transferred a few hundred credits to him. He gave an appreciative nod and flew off. It's been a week since she ran from the Council. Everything was different now for her. She was able to avoid the crowds, she could keep to herself, and she could basically do anything she wanted.

She wore a calculating smirk on her lips as she walked along the metal ground of Omega. She let the smirk drop from her lips as she was approached by salarian with two humans close behind.

He had a slightly orange tint to his skin that reminded her of Mordin. He stood tall and proud as walked with what seemed like eagerness towards the human. "You must be new to Omega." He said as he stood in front of her. Kira simply stared at him. He took her silence as a yes and continued. "My name is Maron, and these are my friends." He pointed to the humans behind him.

The one on his left stepped forwards. He was short for a human and only looked about 5'3". He had buzz cut black hair with a scar running from his right collarbone up to his chin. He had vibrant green eyes that screamed mischief and danger. He extended his hand in a friendly gesture. "My name is Garrett. I've been around here longer than they have been so I'll be showing you the ropes around here _._ "

 _So he's not dangerous, just arrogant._ She looked at his hand before simply nodding her head. He let a slight scowl slip until he put a gentle smile on his lips on more.

The one on his right simply looked at Kira with a calculating gaze. All Kira could see were crystal blue eyes, but she could tell that is was a human by the body shape. Possibly even female, but she couldn't be sure. The body was covered in black armor that was similar to that of an N7. Kira then watched as the eyes softened ever so slightly. "Jeane." Spoke a soft feminine voice.

Kira looked at Jeane skeptically then nodded. "Kira." Jeane nodded in understanding. Kira looked back to Maron and waited to see what he had planned.

"Nice to meet you Kira. What brings you to Omega? This doesn't seem like your kind of environment." He said noting her quiet and calculating demeanor.

Kira eyes narrowed dangerously before her eyes moved over to Jeane then Garrett. "...Change."

She said vaguely. She concluded that she shouldn't speak too much in case either were to recognize her voice. She was honestly surprised nobody had noticed who she was yet. But then again, this _was_ Omega. Nobody probably cared enough to report a familiar face. Which was pretty fortunate for her, considering the circumstances.

Maron nodded his head in understanding. "Well, you've come to the right place then. Life on Omega offers everyone a second chance."

Garrett tilted his head to the side, a smirk playing at his lips. "It just depends on the change you're looking for."

Kira let her eyes hold his gaze. Her eyes calculating but giving away to her curiosity, she took a small step forwards. "Show me."

Maron moved forwards past Kira. "If you wish to know, you must follow. You must learn." He stood by the railing and motioned the humans forwards. "Learn who you are. Where do you fall in Omega?"

Garrett stood next to Maron at the railing. "In order to change, you must know what you are trying to change." He said as he looked over the railing. He put his hands on the railing and turned his head to Kira. "Are you prepared to take the first few steps?"

Maron stood beside him and put his hands on the railing as well. "Are you willing to follow us?"

Jeane stood at the railing, imitating her friends. She simply looked at Kira and tilted her head to the side.

Kira stood there staring at the trio, suddenly uncomfortable. Her anxiety began its familiar tune. Her heartbeat picked up, sounding like drums in her ears. Her head began to spin and her stomach churned. Her body began to tremble and she felt herself questioning herself yet again.

 _What am I doing?_

 _Can I do this?_

 _What if it ends in disaster again?_

Suddenly Garrett made a clicking sound that caught her attention. "Only you can make this choice." She looked up to find them all in front of her. "Only you can take the first step."

Maron spoke next. "We can forge a path. We can help, but we can't make you come with us. We can't make you follow."

Jeane, to Kira's surprise, spoke next. "All the help in the galaxy won't mean shit unless you know how to use or you choose to accept it."

Garrett patted her back. "You can make this choice." He then took off running towards the edge and jumped over the railing.

Maron was next. "You have conquered Reaper's haven't you?" And over the edge he went.

Kira's face was scrunched in confusion as her eyes fell on Jeane's. Jeane moved closer and stood next to Kira. Kira heard her breath on her shoulder. "What's wrong, Commander? Afraid of heights?" Jeane then bolted to the edge and disappeared.

Kira stared at the edge as her confusion turned to realization. _Shit. Shit. Shit._ She ran to the railing only to stop and look over. She saw nothing but darkness and filth. _They know who I am._

 _Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._

 _What happens now?_

 _What do I do?_

Garrett's voice echoed in her head. _In, order to change, you must know what you are trying to change. Only you can make this choice._

Her heartbeat grew louder, faster, and stronger. It was deafening. The churning grew more insistent. She could taste the bile in the back of her throat. Everything was running through her head again. Thoughts were colliding at a million miles an hour until one thought finally stopped them.

 _They don't know who I am._

 _My name is Kira._

 _Jaden is dead._

 _I can make my own choices._

 _I can chose my path._

With these thoughts Kira backed up from the railing. Her heartbeat still pounding in her ears. Her biotics licked at the edge of her skin, making themselves known. The warmth was comforting. Kira took a breath trying to calm her nerves, but they wouldn't settle.

 _All the help in the world doesn't mean shit unless you know how to use it._

KIra let that drive her. She knew what she wanted to do. She knew what needed to happen. She found the help that she realized she needed before.

She took one last breath. Then took off at a dead run towards the edge. She dove over the edge, free falling into the darkness.

As she fell, she could feel the thrill.

She could feel herself begin to change.

As she fell towards her uncertain future, she felt she finally was doing something right.

Welp, Reviews are appreciated greatly! Even better if I could get a few favorites and follows.

-Ari


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